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May 15th or 16th I guess
Today was hard. I had to actually take time and reflect on things that hurt. It would have been a year today.
I went out with Rach this morning and then Vern during the evening.
I just don't know......ARGOLA!!!!
I know what I want and I know how I am, as do others. I am one of those people who is just like if you
know what you want so go get it, don't let life slip away don't leave yourself in a place where you can play the "What If"
game. I know what I want. I just don't know if I want to get it...I don't think that quite makes logical sense
but I think that you understand what I mean. I have in my mind come up with about a thousand ways-ok well only 3 really
conceivable ways-to get what I want but I'm scared. I'm scared to death. I think that we have hit on a key
fear in my life, reasoning for the fear makes perfect sense but that's not the issue the issue is that it's there and I'm
not sure what to do. Oy Vay. Time, time, thyme, good friend or archenemy?
I think I need to talk to
Shane.
....The train keeps on coming
.......
April 25
Have you ever listened to music and you hear a song, you may have
heard it a million times but you actually listen to the lyrics (the same ones you may have sung along with a hundred million
times before) and suddenly you just can't help but weep. Yeah that's me...I really cried for the..second time sence me and
Herbie broke up. Over music....How Sucky is that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Arg. So you might ask what songs turned me into a weepy
mess well lets see(and no they aren't in order):
Hurt by Johnny Cash (that one just added to the tears)
I want you
to want me by cheap trick
Far Away by nickelback(first time remember hearing but I must have heard it before at some point
cause I knew how it went thought that could have been my heart talking....this one started the weeping)
Extrordinary by
Liz Phair (this was the closes that thing to singing to me that he has ever done and well the way that he looked at me saying
that "supergodess" bit....)
The Scientist by coldplay.....
I Hate Myself for Losing You & You Found Me both by
Kelly Clarkson
This list keeps going I can't even exsplain it, I miss him a lot, I think of him a lot everyday, oy vay....ok
well I have to go fix myself up to presentable and get Lydia and go to work. Oy Oy Oy breaking up sucks.
4/20/06
So Herbert and I broke up today. I feel like dieing. I'm calm but I feel so sad, like I got hit by a mac
truck, I'm just hurting I don't want it to be over. I am hopeing that we stay friends and talk. Really I just
want the guy that I started dating back. And I wish I knew what was really going on, and I wish I could make it better.
Oy vay. I don't like this very much at all and yeah. But he said he still loves me and I still love him which
kind of make it harder because I really don't what's going on it's not messy so I can't pretend that he's horrible and I hate
him. Not that I could do that even if it was messy. I still love Herbie, and yeah being that far away from him
at the movie was so uncomfterble. I really just want to be wraped up in one of those hugs that only Herbert can give.
I hate breaking up, it bites and I haven't hurt even remotely this bad sence the whole Chris thing. Herbert has taken
me to these new places of my self and helped me through things that normal people would run from. I think he should
go back to high school Jarrod said that he could do it in like a semseter and maybe that would help him figure things out.
Oh my God why does it hurt so deeply.
I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I’d love you to love me.
I’m beggin’ you to
beg me.
I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I’d love you to love me.
I’ll shine up the
old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
I’ll get home early from work if you say that you love me.
Didn’t
i, didn’t i, didn’t I see you cryin’?
Oh, didn’t i, didn’t i, didn’t I see you cryin’?
Feelin’ all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin’.
Oh, didn’t i, didn’t
i, didn’t I see you cryin’?
I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I’d love
you to love me.
I’m beggin’ you to beg me.
I’ll shine up the old brown shoes, put on a brand-new shirt.
I’ll
get home early from work if you say that you love me.
Didn’t i, didn’t i, didn’t I see you
cryin’?
Oh, didn’t i, didn’t i, didn’t I see you cryin’?
Feelin’ all alone
without a friend, you know you feel like dyin’.
Oh, didn’t i, didn’t i, didn’t I see you
cryin’?
Feelin’ all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dyin’.
Oh, didn’t
i, didn’t i, didn’t I see you cryin’?
I want you to want me.
I need you to need me.
I’d
love you to love me.
I’m beggin’ you to beg me.
I want you to want me.
I want you to want me.
I want
you to want me.
I want you to want me.
/\ it's cheap trick.
4/15/06
I don't know anymore.
I feel like the time that me and herbert spend together gets so physically charged, I miss the quality time that we used
to spend together. I miss it that adolescent love full of those things that used to make me gag. I miss cuddling
and me being dumb and little gifts for every occasion. I miss drawing little hearts on my notebook and practicing my
signature if I was to be Lindsay Palmer, and how I would initials things. I miss cooking things together.
I wish he could see how much it hurt. I told him today I cried in front of him. I used to try and hide from that
and showing when I was upset like that but today I said screw it I don't have time to hide my pain because it just pains me
more. I wonder if it hurt him to see me upset like that. I wonder if he gets it. I wish that he would listen
to The Scientist by coldplay and get how it relates to this right now; I wish that even though he doesn't sing he would
sing that song to me. Even just the first part would work.
I wish a lot of things.
But wishing doesn't do anything acting on the feeling gets things done sometimes. Maybe it's just my period kicking
in. Maybe it's that I miss everything. Maybe I am just scared. I need reassurance and bless Jeff's heart
but I need Herbert to let me know that I'm great I'm beautiful that he sets me apart from the rest that he loves me.
I need my dad. My old dad. As hard as it was sometimes I needed the dad that lets me know that I'm a cool chick
I needed that I need to know that from them. I need my mom to chill out but she's not capable of that. I
need to not feel like I have been replaced and no longer have a place. I need that. I don't know how to get that,
but I need that. I need.....I have needs. I really do. I've been eating a max of 2 meals a day and
one is almost always a TV dinner. I know really healthy but I just don't feel hungry and I feel sick. I need to
go feel a doctor cause I'm holding food in very well.... no I'm not having bulimic moments. I think I need to go see
the nutritionist.....we'll see.
I don't know I hurt in ways
that I don't like to hurt. I hate to cry, I hate to feel this way, I feel like I died, hopefully it's
just today.
3/19/2006
I guess I just feel kinda lonely. Herbie J-rod and Kayla came over tonight. A) it was kind of odd anyways
B) I relized just how much I miss my friends and having them around. I miss always bouncing from one social event to
another. It makes me sad. I hate working and going to school I'm just burnt out. I feel like Rachel has
Andy and Jenna and has no need nor want for me. With Herbie it is just like our scheduals totally conflict and we have
no energy to be peppy with one another. I hate that. I hate Math class. Never take Lemerich. Oh well
such is life I guess.....I need to go to bed. The word Zombie is never used in the movie Dawn of the Dead.
December 28th
I did it again today. I wish you would just hold me...it's been a long time. I need you and you don't need
me do you? I thought that I wasn't alone but I suppose I am........ I still love you, do you know that....tears
November 7th
Ok I know I've been ubberly ignoring this lately I'm sorry life has been crazy to say the least. Quick update work
sucks like my job not the people so much though, school is boring. I need to do my ASL homework and I go to register
tomorrow. BLEH...
September 24
didn't get to bed till like 5.15 this morning bleh. Went to a coffee house with Rachel and hung out after words,
went to sharies with herbie and rach and then Shayne the singer from the band came and met us there. Eh don't know about
that one... Yup then had to deliver the papers bleh then I had to go to work then yea came home went back to sleep.
I over slept and then Rach and I went to the concert we where late but that was good cause it was cold and we would have just
froze our butts off, Shayne was there. we went to pizza hut and yea then came home, will go to sleep soon....Sleep good...
September 21
poor little website being ignored and all. I dont' know I keep fighting with my mom and it's driving me up the
wall. I really need to start my period like soon!! the fact that I haven't is bugging me , like I know i'm not pregnant because
I'm not Mary, but this is probley not a good thing. Anyways bleh so many questions so little time..... Herbie went to
Oasis last night it was not so good...
September 9th er 10th er whatever
Ok so skeleton key SUCKED! anyways came home feeling paranoid and up so talked to Jarrod and Herbie, and went a
little quiz happy...Just a bit and I love music!! LaLa I feel very ADD right now lack of sleep maybe...I want NACHOS!! and
pop and to sign like crazy!!
september 8
I feel chaotic...this pain is real. I love and that's why I hurt. I can't hide in the darkness because for
me the darkness is the light, I'm not safe behind my mask anymore.
September 6th
Ok well maybe you know now how accurate that chorus is... ANYWAYS! so today is the sixth and that means that tomorrow
is the seventh which means that I'm almost 17 good golly I'm old. I think I start babysitting for Michelle today, hope
that goes ok...Screaming kid...Oh I hope not. Down fall I don't know really anything about this kid, oh dear this could
be just a little more special than it should be but we'll see.
August 31st
Well lets see I haven't talked about school. I love it but my math teacher is like off of her rocker. Oh
well. I love ASL I love signing, it's pretty and it's nice to be able to talk to people with out the whole world knowing what
your saying.
I really wish Herbie would go out to the college. I would maka me happy. and yet he hasn't gone.
I guess you don't get what you want.
August 21.
I have to give a presentation today. in like 8 hours. just a bit off feeling. Praying it goes well.
August 17th
The trip was amazing!!!!!!! I don't know if anyone else in the world would think that poverty was amazing but it
was. The thing that really got me was how poor these people where and they invited us into there homes and some prased
God through all of it. There was a woman Cuoca who's son had gone crazy after his dad died and was in a rehab center
also her house burnt down but she still praised God. I met a man named Abraham he has a disease that makes his left
side just about a step above useless. Sometimes people bring him food but not the Monday that we where there and so
I gave him the only thing I had which was these weird biscotti cookies that I'm not sure tasted any good. The next
day we took a collection from our group and got about 20 dollors which we used to buy him food that was easy to fix or could
just be eatten uncooked. when we took it to him the joy and how greatful he was was just amazing. That was
a steam roller moment. It was because my eating habits are my choice, if I choose not to eat it's a choice but he didn't
have the food there to even make that choice and knowing my eatting habits it's clear why it was a steam roller moment.
This is only a small small small chunk of what happened there, I'll write
more later right now I have things to fix that aren't really broken you know proventative mantinace.
August 6th
I have to be at the church in 4 hours!!! I'm leaving in 4 1/2 hours!!!! I'm praying we have no conflicts while
we are there and that no one gets sick, you should pray for these things too!
prewarning rant about love and Herbie
I Love My Boyfriend. I used to wonder if you could even rea0lly love someone like this especially at this
age, but I do. He is amazing and amazingly wonderful. It scares me you know because I do hold him very close
in my heart and I'm afraid of some much better girl without baggage coming along and stealing him away for he is one who could
be stolen because he's so amazing. I'm not jelouse of him and other girls though which is quite nice, I get jelouse
over other things like the fact that Jesse can spend all night talking to him and being...real. I don't think that makes
any sence what so ever and I'm hoping that my posting that I Love Herbert isn't going to make him mad but really I don't care
who knows I Love him. I do love you Herbie
August 4
I like the rain, it's sprinkling and quite dreary outside I love it...what and odder I am, I went and sat out there at
like 5.50-6.00 ish and wrote. I didn't sleep tonight, last night whatever. I want to go and get a donut but I
don't want to go alone..oh well such is life I suppose. I leave for Mexico in 2 days!! scary but it's good I don't know
how much longer I could wait to go. Anyways I haven't posted this up here yet but that's not because it's not importaint
I just haven't written it, My dearest boyfriend whom I absolutly adore is amazing. He makes me feel good all the
time and he doesn't even know it ok well maybe he does but that's not the point the point is that he makes me all warm and
fuzzy happy bunnys inside. like his away messages "... You're cute., you know." good thing to when he is off and away,
I'm assuming he's talking to me and if not well I just made an ass out off myself now didn't I.
July 29
Love is Life. If you miss out on love you miss out on life.
I love that quote.
How do you get something back after you've lost it? How is it that really the only time that you want to write
is when your emotions are extream? Why is it that we can never really have what we really want...? Or when we
do have what we want it's not good enough and somethings wrong with something else...? Oy such is life. I labled
the pamrin box and put it in the "You don't have to try" box
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